It’d Be Kind to Rewind

11Jan08

It’s nights like this, when you try to sleep, roll around in bed for a few hours, then say f*** it and stay up, that thinking can really drive you crazy…tonight was one of those for me…trying to sleep, but not being able to really clear my mind enough to drift…tried the remedies of medicine, food, boring shows…then, instead of trying to sleep for 3-4 hours and functioning on that, I figure staying up wired on caffeine would be smart…after all, I have 3 days off and I did take a nap…so I can catch up…but I digress

I heard a song today, Paolo Nutini – Rewind…not sure how I stumbled across it but Youtube is clever like that, this whole what others are watching thing is amazing…anywho…this song, coupled with my insomnia, was the basis for this whole random spew of thoughts (that I’m sure will tickle your fancy)…

A random idea that most of us have at some point is, what if I had done things differently?…Usually we revert when things are fresh in the mind…like, what if I had studied more, what if I had told her how I felt, or what if I hadn’t made that left turn…we always wonder what could’ve been, and being that hindsight is 20/20, we figure the right decision to be something else 7 times out of 10…and wonder if that whole butterfly effect thing is real…but only for a short time

Tonight, for no real reason, I found myself wondering what if I had done a lot differently….that is, what if life was like a movie you’ve already seen…you can rewind to a point and re-watch it, making note of all the subtleties and conversation you missed bc you know what is going to happen….would things be at all similar or would I be somewhere else or would you even be reading this?…you see, most people can look themselves in the mirror and say, “If I had to do this all again, I wouldn’t do much differently…” or “I wouldn’t take anything back”…which in a sense means you’re happy with where you are and have few regrets…unfortunately, there are those of us who look back on life and see a plethora of wrongs

Not that everything done is destructive…I firmly believe every major occurrence in life has a molding effect…but if you were given the opportunity to choose a specific time in your past to rewind the clock to, would you?…that is, you know everything you know now, you know everything you knew then and you can easily distinguish…you can be your present self in your x-year old body….would you do it?

I can say, with very little uncertainty, that I would do it…not because I’m terribly unhappy with what I am and where I’m going, but moreso because there are decisions I’ve made that I would take back…several in fact…and that my retrospective sight is rife with “20/20″ moments….my conscious mistakes only start at a certain age, though…I can’t really remember all the wrong-doings I had ever, but there are ones I can say still impact me a bit…so, given the option to rewind life like a movie you’ve just watched…would you take it?

It’s an interesting idea…one that is easy to go mildly insane over with details…especially when given the time-independent version…when would you hit the play button again? College? High School? Kindergarten? Yesterday?….my choice? Summer, 2002…the end of my true small-town upbringing…yeah it’s 5 and a half years ago…yes it’s almost arbitrary…but that’s the whole point then, isn’t it?

It’s a terribly personal question to ask…and actually entirely useless in the grand scheme, “look-forward” lifestyle we all live…sure living in the past is a bit shoddy…but indulgence is one of those things we always do…if we feel any joy/guilty pleasure in doing something, we’ll do it again…if you crack even the faintest smile when thinking about this rewind button on life…well, it was worth it…because today is over…yesterday is light-years ago…and “tomorrow I’m gonna wake up and I’m gonna be 50″…so, if you feel like sometimes your life is moving too fast…curl up/lean back/ lie down somewhere and replay a bit…then see how you feel…

sorry for the seriousness, but I wanted to share…”dark and dreary” out…jsk

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Tags: life, mistakes, past, relive, rewind, second chance