Overheard in My Life

20Jan08

Sleeping patterns seem to mean nothing to my subconscious because no matter what time I wake up on any given day, I am bound to sleep later than I would like to…so either I’m forced to constantly sleep in till 2pm OR be tired every day of my life…and I know which one you think I do but let’s be honest…I love to sleep in….but this is neither here nor there

Funny story, went to a formal and people who dress nicely then drink are usually incredibly funny to talk to…mainly because they forget about thinking harder on their thoughts when they have a purdy outfit on…so I got to thinking, and read that Overheard in New York site and remembered all the weird/funny/sad things I’ve heard in life….the following are all comments that I have heard and have made my head hurt…no names though, trying to be nice:

The BFF: I’d love to come to your birthday, but my other half says he’s not up for it so we’re gonna study instead…happy 21st hun!

Guy 1 (currently dating Girl A): So who’re you looking to get with tonite?
Guy 2 (completely in the dark): Ahh, my ex, Girl A looks fine, so I figure I’ll get her drunk and see where it goes

The Good Friend: Just tell her you’re gay, with me, and she’ll probably be less inclined to hit on you
The Lucky Man: No, because then she’ll ask to watch and try to get me to watch her with some girl too…

Genius Girl: Oh so you’re studying nerves? So like, I always wondered, if you cut a nerve, does that mean you can’t feel your spinal cord anymore?

Girlfriend (recently jokingly accused of being a hermaphrodite): OMG I’m so not a hermaphrodite you loser!
Boyfriend (to the crowd): Well DUH, don’t you think I of all people would know that?

Roommate 1: DUDE, why am I sooooo emo?
Roommate 2: (Stares)

Future Anthropologist: Ok, we need more Jewish people in our lives…you know a bunch right? Want to recruit?
Aryan Friend: Yeah, sure; blonde hair, blue eyes…I fit right in

Girl eating chicken: Eww…how can you order sushi? Don’t you think it’s so cruel to the fish?

The Ladies Man: Dude, who is that chick? She’s so hot…
The Pacifist Friend: …my sister

Burke-Williams best customer: I love these airport massage chairs…if only they had people who massaged for a living, it’d be so much better…

Old Lady on a Plane: Oh my, you’re so large…
Big African-American man: Thank you ma’am…
Old Lady on a Plane: You must’ve played football, all big guys like you play football in the NFL…I imagine it must be awfully fun…
Big African-American man: (Stares)…no, sorry ma’am
Old Lady on a Plane: Procedes to talk about NFL and big men for half of flight

Drunken Girl in the City: Man, why can’t we just find the woods so I can go #2 already?

Pre-Drunk Girl: Dude, I have to get ready…it’s a mother effing pageant!

Guy: Yeah, I have scoliosis so I have to be careful when working out
Friend/Doctor: Oh dude, you have multiple scoliosis?  Isn’t that, like, mental retardation?
Guy: Er…no it’s a back problem…did you mean multiple sclerosis?

The Wannabe Alcoholic: Can I get a slushy…on the rocks please…

Future Weatherman: I know we’re not gonna have practice today because of the weather…
Friend: Wait, how can you tell?
Future Weatherman: (enthusiastically) I have two eyes, and they can see through windows!

Captain “Obvious”: Man, those SUVs are huge…they’re like a bus on wheels…

Coloradoan: Well I’m from Denver, CO so I love to ski…
Future Mapmaker: Oh, I didn’t realize Colorado was near an ocean

Inked Guy: Yeah, I want to get another tattoo
Smartest Friend: Whoa, aren’t you worried about getting a scar though?

Ethics Teacher (really): So the professor sexually assaulted women on his research project, everything up to and including rape…so how do we define that in terms of Scientific Misconduct?
Class: (Silence)

The Friend Who is Too Close: Just flash me, I want to compare nipples

Sex-Educated Collegiate: Wait, you’re not a virgin? So it possible for me to get an STD if you put your mouth there?

Cultural American: I think England is so dumb for stealing our language…I mean, they don’t even speak it right

Girl at the Bar: Yeah, my friend’s dog just died, so we’re trying to cheer her up…death is so sudden sometimes, it’s insane
The Ladies Man’s Brother: yeah…I love death

Cultural Minority (to a dark-skinned brother): So, did you ever stand in front of a blackboard and get written on because no one saw you?

21st century gal: It’s not even that cold…I’m such a ninny

Tom Cruise’s biggest fan: So, scientology seems interesting…I mean, I heard Tom Cruise believes it
Friend: They believe that humans were going to be killed by some alien named Xenu…and never to use psychiatry
Tom Cruise’s biggest fan: Oh, wait, so they don’t like just believe in physics and math and stuff?

Ohio State Alum (on the day of the NC): Wait, they’re playing LSU in the title game?…When did this happen?
Friend: Um, December, before break started…we watched the games together

Foreigner: So, I have a vernacular query…what does this term ghetto mean?

Guy on Subway: You want a Baby Ruth man? One Dollar per bar.
Passenger: Nah, I’m good, not a fan…
Guy on Subway: What’re you? A fag? Who doesn’t like nuts?

Guy to an Ohio State cabbie: Um, Ann Arbor, MI please…

Genius in front of cops (currently busting a friend): Man this is such bullshit, in India I’d give these crackers 50 Rupees and we’d be drinking more

Black Bouncer: Yo, you’re kicked out man
Brown Guy: Wait, why, I haven’t done anything
Black Bouncer: Nah man you were hitting on that girl and her bf told me so I want you…oh shit, you’re not the guy…my bad, ya’ll look alike
Brown Guy: How is that not racist when you say it but racist if I say it?
Black Bouncer: You calling me racist? Get the f*** out…

The Dreamer: I love movies, they’re so realistic sometimes
The Friend: We just saw Star Wars?

YMCA/JCC go-er: Hanukkah is such a bullshit holiday… (JCC = Jewish Community Center)

Drunken Collegian (after noticing he is being videotaped): The motherf***er is going to sue me!!

Indian Dad: So you’re from Oklahoma City right?
Oklahoman: No, I’m from Ponca City…
Indian Dad: What!? Where is that?

Best Date Ever: (breaking away from a kiss) So, am I a good kisser?
Poor Guy: …uh, yeah
Best Date Ever: Good, because I wanted to give you some pointers

Dirty Girl: Did you know LL Cool J can crack a walnut with his ass?

…Ok so these aren’t exact quotes because I might’ve forgotten the wording but the jists are there….and sorry if you recognize this as a quote of yours…just keep in mind that your words have made a profound effect on my life and can now entertain others…nothing to be ashamed of I’d say…jsk

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Tags: funny, life, overheard, quotes, stupid